Monday, May 25, 2009
Sasha Grey loves to wrap her hands around...
a new episode of the DP Show! We entertain our first guest, berate Cleveland sports teams, discuss cum shots, Audrey Hepburn, and dinosaurs. We're very deep.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Cavs v. Magic...Game 2 Running Diary
I am super pumped because this is MY FIRST EVER Running Diary. What is a running diary, you ask? It goes like this...at random points (or when I get the feeling to do one) I will sit down for a sporting event, TV event, etc. and keep a running diary of my thoughts, observations, and worthy conversations throughtout said event. On the left hand side of the column I will chart when these thoughts, observations, and what not popup.
As much as I would like to take credit for creating the running diary, I cannot (and will not for fear of someone at ESPN reading this and possibly bringing about a lawsuit). The man that originated and popularized the running diary (as far as I know) is none other than MR. BILL SIMMONS. If you would like to see how the master does it than check out ESPN.COM and look for Bill Simmons, or his alias, The Sports Guy. Feel free to compare my work to his (I know I will). But I bet Simmons never wrote his running diaries will "LIVIN' THE HIGH LIFE."
LET'S DO THIS!...
Pre-Game: Live from Downtown Cleveland. We actually look like a real city, on TV.
Pre-Game: I proclaim Craig Sager as the Best Dressed Reporter in Sports. Don Cherry and Barry Melrose coming in a close 2nd and 3rd. You know what? Melrose comes in 2nd, Cherry 3rd. Cherry’s outfits are just too absurd for me to believe that he actually chooses to dress the way he does. On 3rd thought? I proclaim Barry Melrose as the Best Dressed Reporter in Sports. Sorry Sager, but Melrose's hair puts him over-the-top.
Pre-Game: How many times do they show Stan Van Gundy in the huddle? I’ll set the over/under at 4.5, and I’m taking the over.
1st Quarter
Tip-Off: Dwight Howard illegally wins the tip. Really, Dwight? You’re jumping against Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Relax, you’re gonna win this won…or maybe not.
7:35: Dwight fouls Mo well after a whistle…Mo Williams throws the ball at Dwight and NO technical is called…Awesome!
7:05: WOW! 15-5. Hot start for Cleveland. This is looking eerily similar to Game 1, I don’t like that.
6:55: Excellent piece by Craig Sager on Lebron and proper hydration. And the name of the segment was aptly named “around the cooler.” I feel like you should know these things.
4:57: We foul D-Howard again…why are we not hacking him? No one on the Cavs can guard him, plus he is shooting 59% from the line in the playoffs…54% against Boston. Lorenzen Wright, make yourself useful and start hacking Dwight.
3:55: Jesus! Anthony Johnson is killing us, 4 points and a big assist since entering. He’s like the old guy at pick-up games, dressed in a tank top and 2 knee braces and you’re wondering “how is he beating us?”
3:25: We have a Sasha Pavlovic sighting…let’s see how this goes.
End of the 1st: Sasha drains the 3-ball…nice finish. Out-of-nowhere Sasha looks to be a factor in this series. The rest of the supporting cast has also stepped up thus far but Mr. Potato Head (Mike Brown) needs to use the bench a little more. Pavlovic is the only Cleveland bench player to score. Our starters cannot sustain this effort for 48 minutes.
2nd Quarter
10:30: Ben Wallace sporting the Chin Pony-tail. I must say, it’s better than looking at Drew Gooden’s weird Back-of-the-head Hair-Patch thing…How did his friends not get him drunk then wait for him to pass out so they could shave it off…they really dropped the ball on that one
8:51: Cavs up 16 and no Lebron to start the 2nd quarter, that is huge.
7:07: Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis are a combined 0-8 this half. They were a combined 4-8 in the first half of Game 1. Again, I feel like you should know.
3:11: Mo Williams with a DISH TO LEBRON FOR THE HUGE DUNK! And Redick comes right down and scores. Wow, the crowd went dead. Geez, they act like Lebron didn’t just throw down. Our fans need to learn how to sustain energy. Perhaps they should watch Craig Sager’s piece on proper hydration.
1.4: O, Sasha steals it and GETS FOULED but no call. It was a foul but how could you call that with 1.4 seconds left.
End of 1st Half: Excellent first half for the cavs. Great team defense, especially on D-Howard. Cavs are holding a 28-6 advantage with points in the paint. But the Cavs have let a 23 point lead wither to an 11 point lead. And I repeat, EERILY SIMILAR TO GAME 1
Halftime
- Saw a commercial for the new UFC video game. I am one of a dozen people who do not care for UFC (I much prefer boxing) but that game looks pretty sweet.
- TNT just showed Van Gundy in the locker room…should we count that in the huddle tally…? I’m counting it, which brings the 1st half total to 4.
(Side note: Do you think Van Gundy shouting is just his normal voice? I could see him in a restaurant ordering food, “I’LL HAVE A STEAK AND I GOTTA HAVE IT MEDIUM RARE, OK!?! NOW LET’S GO, WE CAN DO THIS!” Or in Church yelling at people, “PEACE BE WITH YOU, PEACE BE WITH YOU!”)
Alright, ON WITH THE 2ND HALF…
3rd Quarter
10:30: I kind of wish I was a Magic fan just so I could say things like “...well, I am wearing my magic underwear today.” HA! (sigh) I’m an idiot.
6:40: UH OH! It’s a 9 point lead and Rashard Lewis is starting to heat up and…
6:16: Rashard for 3, again…it’s down to 6. If this happens again the entire city of Cleveland will be on suicide watch. It’s time for Lebron to flip the MVP switch to on.
4:45: Lebron…and 1. LET’S GO! By the way, WHERE IS THE CROWD? The atmosphere in the Q feels more like December 23 rather than May 23.
(Side note: In the Pistons series my mom was questioning our home crowds and I deflected the concerns as it just being the first round. But you know what, she’s right. Our crowds have been terrible, like they don’t know how to cheer or they do not understand that their energy affects the team. This is what you get when “fans” become fans because it’s the cool thing to do)
2:22: (commercial) Jada Pinkett-Smith is Hawthorne, starting June 16 on TNT! Good work Jada…you have sunk to level of Kyra Sedgwick, Timothy Hutton and Mark Paul Gosselaar.
1:45: Turkoglu hits the Magic’s 8th three of the game…the lead again down to, HAVE I MENTIONED HOW EERILY SIMILAR…
End of the 3rd: The Cavs were outscored 25-19 in that quarter…not good. The Cavs always seem to play poorly in the 3rd quarter. I would bet they’re one of the worst 3rd quarter teams in the league…seriously, someone find this out and get back to me.
4th Quarter
10:14: OH MY GOD! We just gave up an ally-oop dunk to some Polak. And we’re expected to stop Dwight Howard?
8:29: Lebron gets called for a questionable offensive foul…and Varejao comes down on the other end and takes a charge…boy, do I love make-up calls
7:25: 82-80 Cavs after Pietrus buries a 3…he was silent in the 3rd quarter but…this Magic team is loaded with shooters and they are always a threat to make a run. The surprising thing is the absence of Dwight Howard this half. I mean, he’s playing but he is a non-factor right now and the Magic are out playing us. Are the Orlando Magic a better team WITHOUT Dwight Howard?
5:29: The Magic take their first lead of the game, 86-84. It’s crunch time…now we see if the best player on the planet can take over in the clutch
2:45: Mo Williams hit a big a 3 a minute ago but bricks a WIDE OPEN attempt…you cannot consistently blow opportunities like that late in games and expect to win a series
2:03: Pietrus drives and hits the layup. I am shocked that our perimeter defense has been so porous in the first 2 games.
:50: DON’T LET RASHARD KICK IT OUT…Turkoglu for 3, 93-93…this is not happening…Deep breathe in, and out…FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
30.9: LeBRON, AND 1…LET'S...TRAVELING? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
13.6: Pavlovic, what the hell…you can’t foul and give the Magic a chance to draw up a play and hold for the last shot…unreal
:1: And Turkoglu…I’m going to throw up…
:1: here we go…one chance…please let this happen, if we go down 0-2 this series is over …in-bound to Lebron… OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MVP! MVP! MVP! I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I need to calm down for second…There are moments in sports that I will always remember…Game 7 of the ’97 world series, the Red Sox miracle comeback in the ’04 ALCS, Laettner beating Kentucky, I could go on and on. And there are so many moments that have gone against Cleveland, so many times when I thought “why is it always like this?” That shot from Lebron James will be one of those moments that I will remember for as long as I live, and for all the right reasons. Where will amazing happen this year? How about the banks of the Cuyahoga!
(Don’t forget to e-mail myself and Pagel at dpshow09@gmail.com. We will get to your e-mails in either an article or on one of our podcasts…Also, the final tally in the “shots of Van Gundy in the huddle” is 4, I’m very disappointed in you TNT)
Written by: Dennis Kisela
As much as I would like to take credit for creating the running diary, I cannot (and will not for fear of someone at ESPN reading this and possibly bringing about a lawsuit). The man that originated and popularized the running diary (as far as I know) is none other than MR. BILL SIMMONS. If you would like to see how the master does it than check out ESPN.COM and look for Bill Simmons, or his alias, The Sports Guy. Feel free to compare my work to his (I know I will). But I bet Simmons never wrote his running diaries will "LIVIN' THE HIGH LIFE."
LET'S DO THIS!...
Pre-Game: Live from Downtown Cleveland. We actually look like a real city, on TV.
Pre-Game: I proclaim Craig Sager as the Best Dressed Reporter in Sports. Don Cherry and Barry Melrose coming in a close 2nd and 3rd. You know what? Melrose comes in 2nd, Cherry 3rd. Cherry’s outfits are just too absurd for me to believe that he actually chooses to dress the way he does. On 3rd thought? I proclaim Barry Melrose as the Best Dressed Reporter in Sports. Sorry Sager, but Melrose's hair puts him over-the-top.
Pre-Game: How many times do they show Stan Van Gundy in the huddle? I’ll set the over/under at 4.5, and I’m taking the over.
1st Quarter
Tip-Off: Dwight Howard illegally wins the tip. Really, Dwight? You’re jumping against Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Relax, you’re gonna win this won…or maybe not.
7:35: Dwight fouls Mo well after a whistle…Mo Williams throws the ball at Dwight and NO technical is called…Awesome!
7:05: WOW! 15-5. Hot start for Cleveland. This is looking eerily similar to Game 1, I don’t like that.
6:55: Excellent piece by Craig Sager on Lebron and proper hydration. And the name of the segment was aptly named “around the cooler.” I feel like you should know these things.
4:57: We foul D-Howard again…why are we not hacking him? No one on the Cavs can guard him, plus he is shooting 59% from the line in the playoffs…54% against Boston. Lorenzen Wright, make yourself useful and start hacking Dwight.
3:55: Jesus! Anthony Johnson is killing us, 4 points and a big assist since entering. He’s like the old guy at pick-up games, dressed in a tank top and 2 knee braces and you’re wondering “how is he beating us?”
3:25: We have a Sasha Pavlovic sighting…let’s see how this goes.
End of the 1st: Sasha drains the 3-ball…nice finish. Out-of-nowhere Sasha looks to be a factor in this series. The rest of the supporting cast has also stepped up thus far but Mr. Potato Head (Mike Brown) needs to use the bench a little more. Pavlovic is the only Cleveland bench player to score. Our starters cannot sustain this effort for 48 minutes.
2nd Quarter
10:30: Ben Wallace sporting the Chin Pony-tail. I must say, it’s better than looking at Drew Gooden’s weird Back-of-the-head Hair-Patch thing…How did his friends not get him drunk then wait for him to pass out so they could shave it off…they really dropped the ball on that one
8:51: Cavs up 16 and no Lebron to start the 2nd quarter, that is huge.
7:07: Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis are a combined 0-8 this half. They were a combined 4-8 in the first half of Game 1. Again, I feel like you should know.
3:11: Mo Williams with a DISH TO LEBRON FOR THE HUGE DUNK! And Redick comes right down and scores. Wow, the crowd went dead. Geez, they act like Lebron didn’t just throw down. Our fans need to learn how to sustain energy. Perhaps they should watch Craig Sager’s piece on proper hydration.
1.4: O, Sasha steals it and GETS FOULED but no call. It was a foul but how could you call that with 1.4 seconds left.
End of 1st Half: Excellent first half for the cavs. Great team defense, especially on D-Howard. Cavs are holding a 28-6 advantage with points in the paint. But the Cavs have let a 23 point lead wither to an 11 point lead. And I repeat, EERILY SIMILAR TO GAME 1
Halftime
- Saw a commercial for the new UFC video game. I am one of a dozen people who do not care for UFC (I much prefer boxing) but that game looks pretty sweet.
- TNT just showed Van Gundy in the locker room…should we count that in the huddle tally…? I’m counting it, which brings the 1st half total to 4.
(Side note: Do you think Van Gundy shouting is just his normal voice? I could see him in a restaurant ordering food, “I’LL HAVE A STEAK AND I GOTTA HAVE IT MEDIUM RARE, OK!?! NOW LET’S GO, WE CAN DO THIS!” Or in Church yelling at people, “PEACE BE WITH YOU, PEACE BE WITH YOU!”)
Alright, ON WITH THE 2ND HALF…
3rd Quarter
10:30: I kind of wish I was a Magic fan just so I could say things like “...well, I am wearing my magic underwear today.” HA! (sigh) I’m an idiot.
6:40: UH OH! It’s a 9 point lead and Rashard Lewis is starting to heat up and…
6:16: Rashard for 3, again…it’s down to 6. If this happens again the entire city of Cleveland will be on suicide watch. It’s time for Lebron to flip the MVP switch to on.
4:45: Lebron…and 1. LET’S GO! By the way, WHERE IS THE CROWD? The atmosphere in the Q feels more like December 23 rather than May 23.
(Side note: In the Pistons series my mom was questioning our home crowds and I deflected the concerns as it just being the first round. But you know what, she’s right. Our crowds have been terrible, like they don’t know how to cheer or they do not understand that their energy affects the team. This is what you get when “fans” become fans because it’s the cool thing to do)
2:22: (commercial) Jada Pinkett-Smith is Hawthorne, starting June 16 on TNT! Good work Jada…you have sunk to level of Kyra Sedgwick, Timothy Hutton and Mark Paul Gosselaar.
1:45: Turkoglu hits the Magic’s 8th three of the game…the lead again down to, HAVE I MENTIONED HOW EERILY SIMILAR…
End of the 3rd: The Cavs were outscored 25-19 in that quarter…not good. The Cavs always seem to play poorly in the 3rd quarter. I would bet they’re one of the worst 3rd quarter teams in the league…seriously, someone find this out and get back to me.
4th Quarter
10:14: OH MY GOD! We just gave up an ally-oop dunk to some Polak. And we’re expected to stop Dwight Howard?
8:29: Lebron gets called for a questionable offensive foul…and Varejao comes down on the other end and takes a charge…boy, do I love make-up calls
7:25: 82-80 Cavs after Pietrus buries a 3…he was silent in the 3rd quarter but…this Magic team is loaded with shooters and they are always a threat to make a run. The surprising thing is the absence of Dwight Howard this half. I mean, he’s playing but he is a non-factor right now and the Magic are out playing us. Are the Orlando Magic a better team WITHOUT Dwight Howard?
5:29: The Magic take their first lead of the game, 86-84. It’s crunch time…now we see if the best player on the planet can take over in the clutch
2:45: Mo Williams hit a big a 3 a minute ago but bricks a WIDE OPEN attempt…you cannot consistently blow opportunities like that late in games and expect to win a series
2:03: Pietrus drives and hits the layup. I am shocked that our perimeter defense has been so porous in the first 2 games.
:50: DON’T LET RASHARD KICK IT OUT…Turkoglu for 3, 93-93…this is not happening…Deep breathe in, and out…FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
30.9: LeBRON, AND 1…LET'S...TRAVELING? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
13.6: Pavlovic, what the hell…you can’t foul and give the Magic a chance to draw up a play and hold for the last shot…unreal
:1: And Turkoglu…I’m going to throw up…
:1: here we go…one chance…please let this happen, if we go down 0-2 this series is over …in-bound to Lebron… OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MVP! MVP! MVP! I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I need to calm down for second…There are moments in sports that I will always remember…Game 7 of the ’97 world series, the Red Sox miracle comeback in the ’04 ALCS, Laettner beating Kentucky, I could go on and on. And there are so many moments that have gone against Cleveland, so many times when I thought “why is it always like this?” That shot from Lebron James will be one of those moments that I will remember for as long as I live, and for all the right reasons. Where will amazing happen this year? How about the banks of the Cuyahoga!
(Don’t forget to e-mail myself and Pagel at dpshow09@gmail.com. We will get to your e-mails in either an article or on one of our podcasts…Also, the final tally in the “shots of Van Gundy in the huddle” is 4, I’m very disappointed in you TNT)
Written by: Dennis Kisela
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
DP Show Episode 2!!
The second episode of the DP Show is here! Dennis calls in between flights while out on the road in his endless quest for information. Dennis and Pagel leave no stone unturned.
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