The blog hasn't been updated in awhile because Dennis is a slacker and I just discovered my privates, so I figure a momentous exhibition like the Home Run Derby would be worth writing a running diary to whet everyone's appetite for more DP goodness...mmm, double goodness.
I would do one for the All-Star game itself but we all know the Home Run Derby has a longer standing tradition and isn't actively tainting how the season unfolds. Oh wait...I forgot, this whole sport is tainted from Selig on down. I'm glad I can no longer watch fun events like the Derby without suspecting Pujols of shooting steroids and eating aborted fetuses for strength. Thanks for ruining my childhood memories and beliefs, MLB.
Without further ado, my running Home Run Derby Diary.
8:30 Keep in mind I'm watching this on ESPN360.com and I also started a little behind so the times won't be totally even. But in my world they are. Also, ESPN360 is great, except when I want to watch something that really matters, I can only see replays of MLS games. Work on this ESPN.
8:35 What a shitty opening song, was David Cook a musician that missed the cut for Nickelback?
8:38 Isn't America done with these homeless looking rock musicians who perform songs Celine Dion thinks are kind of weak and girly?
8:42 If you told me three years ago the Home Run Derby would one day include Brandon Inge and Joe Mauer I would have slapped you in the mouth
8:45 Joe Morgan calling a Home Run Derby = Mark Price critiquing a dunk contest
8:48 Chris Berman has said, "Busch Stadium III, if you will.." four times in six seconds. I will Boomer, I will.
8:50 "Call your shot" promotion needs to roll over into the derby itself. Why not make it more like the dunk contest and have the contestants try to recreate famous home runs in a short round or a tie breaker? Babe's called shot, The Shot heard round the World, Pedro Cerrano hitting the go ahead against the Yankees in 1989...
8:53 Nevermind, this is taking forever and killing the derby boner I previously had
8:54 The Call Your Shot contestant looks like Tom Smynkowski of Initech. *looking around to see if anyone got the reference*
8:56 First Erin Andrews appearance...*swoons*
8:58 ESPN's real time tracking, color coating system is an epic fail so far...it's not even remotely doing what it's supposed to be doing! Probably worse idea than NHL lighting the hockey puck up in the late 90's
9:00 Nelson Cruz finally looks to be heating up a bit...or not.
9:02 No, he isn't...
9:02 Yes he is! Fourth Deck shot, above Big Steroid Land!
9:04 This is why Nelson Cruz was a big time prospect for years, he can swing it, 11 homers, not a bad start at all to the derby
9:07 I also enjoy Stan Musial but the derby already runs long enough, do we need unnecessary clip shows of people who won't be in the derby?
9:08 Big Black is up and stroking the ball already...wait, oh right. That's Prince Fielder. I love baseball, no need to be an athlete to hit the ball. I bet he could take a tree down in one hack.
9:13 Pujols compared himself to Ichiro? Did I hear that right? In what way? In what possible way? Also, Pujols is very charismatic, he could hit 1 home run and convince State Farm to give him the trophy
9:15 Prince needs to be the posterboy for players who don't use PED's. He can hit the ball half way to the moon and embarrass Joey Chestnut in a burger eating contest.
9:17 Ball Track worked! The only time they've used it so far tonight! 1/1 I guess.
9:17 Chris Berman couldn't think of anything clever to say so Prince's 11th home run sounded very robotic, "It's out. Of. Here...!" But an impressive start to the derby, solid distance and some good runs.
9:19 I love tuning into this a bit late because I can fast forward to Brandon Inge! Dark horse, maybe? Raise your hand if you picked Inge to be in this contest during spring training...anyone?
9:21 Erin Andrews sighting number 2! Excuse me, I need a moment...*gasping for air*
9:22 Brandon Inge must have dinner reservations because he is in a hurry to get the hell out of Busch
9:23 "Hello, this Brandon, I have a table for two." No dingers, no dark horse, not a good bridge to the big bats
9:24 Do they have Rogers Hornsby's KKK attire hanging in the outfield?
9:25 Joe Buck on ESPN?!!? He's going to ruin Adrian Gonzalez's turn!
9:26 "Hello, this Adrian, I believe Brandon reserved us a table?" 1 home run and 6 outs.
9:28 Holy S&!% this little girl just snagged a screaming liner off the bat of Gonzalez who just left the stadium to join Inge at Morton's Steakhouse.
9:30 Carlos Pena, my dark horse for this event. He's streaky in regular play, but when he hits a hot streak, look the F*ck out
9:32 Apparently because of Carlos' streakiness they're pitching around him.
9:33 Erin's on again! *sigh* Josh Hamilton is talking about Jesus. *grumble*
9:34 Here comes the hot streak...
9:34 Joe Morgan just filled us in that Josh Hamilton has an interesting life's story...thanks Joe!
9:35 Ball Track, part II. We'll see if they pitch to Pena...
9:37 ...
9:38 ...Ball Track isn't working, mission is scrubbed for now
9:40 Carlos bows out with 5 dingers. Maybe if he wasn't being intentionally walked he would have hit more.
9:41 How many people thought Nick Hundley and Nick Green would be in Gatorade commercials with Johnny Damon and Alex Rodriguez? Raise your hands.
9:42 The native son Ryan Howard! I love his power swing, it's unbelievable he just flicks his hands and blasts one to deep center.
9:43 Tracker part III just showed us what a dying quail looks like when tracked by advanced technology. Incredible.
9:44 Ryan Howard is about to get hot, I'm excited. Someone might lose a finger or an eye.
9:46 I would say I'm jinxing him but I'm like 30 minutes behind in real time.
9:48 7 homers on the gold ball. I wish it was a real gold ball, it would be a much bigger accomplishment to knock it out of the park
9:49 This just in; Joe Morgan has never heard sarcasm or made a joke before. Ever. Glad he's on ESPN broadcasts all the time.
9:50 Erin and Doc Halladay! Don't look at her, Doc! *glaring at my computer screen/Halladay*
9:51 Joe Mauer is up, I can't wait for the first ever "Singles and Opposite Field Hits Derby"...
9:52 ...he already has two and they weren't cheap. That will shut me up...wait, no it won't.
9:54 Torii Hunter, I'm still waiting on Joe Mauer to develop his "man muscles."
9:57 How about a gold ball at 8 outs, then a giant piece of lead shot at 9 outs? They would be worth more to charity and we can make the lead shot worth 6 home runs. Also, Joe Mauer couldn't accumulate enough singles to get him to the next round.
10:00 The roof is about to come off Busch Stadium III, if you will. Put a shield up over that arch! Let's see it Albert Pujols!
10:01 Albert is on the board and Berman is making movie references people under the age of 18 do not understand at all. High schoolers, if I say Wonder Boy, what comes to mind?
10:03 Albert has 1 homer. I miss the Steroid Era already. Back then, we knew the big guys would deliver in a derby.
10:05 3-way bat off? Isn't this network owned by Disney? Filthy. Also, they're scrolling Pujols' numbers on screen...what league do guys like Pujols get called up to after the Majors?
10:07 Gold ball, Albert was just waiting to bank roll some cash for charity...
10:08 The dreaded 3-way bat off! I can't wait to see this chick's face when they're done.
10:10 @MJPagel dude, my steak was overdone...
@BrandonInge your steak was overdone? someone's not getting a good review on the urban spoon app!
10:11 Bat off! Can they just put Albert in it so this thing doesn't go past 1:00 am?
10:13 Joe Morgan and Chris Berman like bat offs and swing offs, perverts.
10:15 Carlos Pena is probably out and Joe Morgan just heard the rules for the derby for the first time. Guess he missed the opening part of the show.
10:16 Most polite person Joe Morgan ever met, Doc Gooden. Not sure how to feel about that statement. I bet you are also confused.
10:17 Apparently Joe Mauer didn't know the rules for the derby either, homers Joe, not singles. Guess Carlos Pena is still alive...
10:18 ...but Albert's up, so maybe not.
10:21 Albert wins the bat off! You're so dramatic Albert. Also, Chris Berman referenced Predator on the home run. "Alburrt hit it to ze choppa!"
10:22 Where's Erin? I miss her.
10:23 More Berman references, this time from the 70's. The audience he's targeting is already asleep.
10:25 I love Albert, but he needs to hit about eleventy million homers to get to finals.
10:29 The Dominican player's kids are mobbing each other after every Pujols swing. I think they're placing bets...
10:31 Albert looks to be on his way out, unless Prince hits negative 1 homers.
10:31 Albert is definitely out. How long until the stadium empties?
10:33 Erin!!! Yayyy!!! *clapping*
10:35 Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols will not be in the final...I'm greatly disappointed after this thing started so promisingly. Howard is still going but he's apparently in the "Lazy Fly Ball Derby."
10:40 The broadcast team is throwing out a lot of hypotheticals and potential scenarios, if you will. I'm not sure they're convinced of anything they're saying.
10:41 Joe Morgan is forecasting the weather and giving us a lecture on directional winds. He's neglecting to mention Ryan Howard is climbing back into the picture with 15 total taters. Heh.
10:43 Is 15 enough? I say no. Berman is holding out hope for Pujols, in case either Cruz or Fielder hit 0 or -1 home runs. I want to see either happen actually.
10:47 Steve Phillips used one of my favorite terms, "Light Tower Power." I love rhymey terms. Nelson Cruz has to win this thing, right? Just like everyone predicted all weekend long. And he is torturing the light towers now.
10:48 Nelson Cruz is bashing, and I get to see a new field reporter, Erin Erin! Didn't know we had two Erins working the field, Berman.
10:50 Nelson Cruz is ready to rock in the finals. Also, every old derby winner or home run hitter they are reminiscing about on the air was linked to BALCo, Presinal, or MacNamee. MLB Fever! Catch it!
10:53 Big Black looks tired, it's hard to carry around that kind of weight as a professional athlete.
10:54 Comparing Cecil to Prince Fielder. Something Prince Fielder hates. Go ahead, ask him about dear old Dad.
10:56 Big Black woke up, he's smashing the ball now. 500 foot blasts. See what happens when you talk about Cecil?! Poor ball.
10:58 Fielder vs. Cruz. I don't even want to mention the cheesy puns Berman used for their names. Nope. Not Gonna happen.
11:00 @BrandonInge dude, they're showing erin andrews again! you're missing out! She's next to Granderson!
@MJPagel next to curtis? f--k!!
11:08 Nelson Cruz finishes with 5 in the final round, I feel like Prince is locked in though. Big Black gets it done.
11:11 I'm wishing Prince takes this home.
11:13 They've bleeped out Prince's reactions at least 30 times.
11:114 Prince looks like he's driving golf balls. Good. Lord.
11:15 The Dominican kids are still cheering, maybe they bet on Prince? Did they get Prince in a two player teaser?
11:15 Prince wins it with a bomb! And the Dominicans just won 1600 dollars! I think they were happier than Prince.
Unlikely duo to make it to the final, but the last round made up for the stinkers Inge and Gonzalez put up and the sexual act put on by Pujols, Mauer and Pena.
Well, now that the most important event from All-Star week is over, we can all neglect the likely 16 inning game the American League is going to win to secure home field advantage for managers not managing in this game. MLB Fever. Catch it!
-Pagel
Anthony Edwards Dr. Richard Harper
Zachary Ty Bryan Lt. Adam “Champ” Harper
Eriq La Salle Gen. “Hammerin” Hank Henderson
Alexandra Paul Sheryl Harper
Ted Danson President James Williams
Robert Guillaume Secretary of Defense W.G. Gatesbury
Bow Wow Corporal Tate Bryant
Jon Cena Master Sgt. Lane Michaels
Raymond Cruz Captain Angel Arnaz
Kevin Dillon Doomed aeronautics engineer
Ron Eldard Control Room Coordinator
Ron Perlman Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
Dale Dye Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
Al Gore Vice President Hal Moore
Ben Stiller Air Force pilot #1
Adam Baldwin Air Force pilot #2
Rick Rosner NASA scientist #1
David Chokachi NASA Scientist #2
Kelly Packard Training astronaut #1
Nicole Eggert Training astronaut #2
Matt Pagel Alien Soldier #1
Dennis Kisela Alien Soldier #2 
