NEW!!! Dark Matter update!

Co-Director Derek Hayes already has some promotional material for the "Dark Matter" miniseries ready to go.  Less than a year to go and all we have to do now is convince NBC to give us millions of dollars to shoot this potential catastrophe.  I think Derek's poster will go a long way...

What you've all been waiting for...the "Dark Matter" movie page!

“Dark Matter” 

Directors: Tarsem Singh

                   Derek Hayes (co-director)

                   Will Roegge (co-director)

 

Writers: Dennis Kisela (concept and characters)

                Matt Pagel (screenplay)

 

Release Date:  July 2-3, July 9-10 2010 on NBC

 

Tagline: “Darkness is coming…”

 

Plot:  In 2025, a top Mars and cosmological researcher, Dr. Richard Harper (Anthony Edwards) is at the forefront of a government conspiracy where his unique expertise is desperately needed to answer a growing and hostile situation on the red planet.  Can Dr. Harper help to avoid impeding global disaster while trying to ease the fractured relationship with his son (Zachary Ty Bryan) and wife (Lea Thompson)?  The fate of the world rests on his shoulders. 

 

CAST:

Anthony Edwards                    Dr. Richard Harper

 Zachary Ty Bryan               Lt. Adam “Champ” Harper

Eriq La Salle                        Gen. “Hammerin” Hank Henderson

Alexandra Paul                        Sheryl Harper

Ted Danson                         President James Williams

Robert Guillaume             Secretary of Defense W.G. Gatesbury

Bow Wow                                    Corporal Tate Bryant

Jon Cena                                    Master Sgt. Lane Michaels

Raymond Cruz                        Captain Angel Arnaz

OTHER CAST:

Kevin Dillon                        Doomed aeronautics engineer

Ron Eldard                           Control Room Coordinator

Ron Perlman                        Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

Dale Dye                                Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

Al Gore                                  Vice President Hal Moore

Ben Stiller                             Air Force pilot #1

Adam Baldwin                     Air Force pilot #2

Rick Rosner                        NASA scientist #1

David Chokachi                   NASA Scientist #2

Kelly Packard                     Training astronaut #1

Nicole Eggert                      Training astronaut #2

Matt Pagel                           Alien Soldier #1

Dennis Kisela                Alien Soldier #2                         

Random Youtube Video Time!!!

Let's face it, everyone loves to sit and spend 60 minutes (or several hours) watching random viral videos on youtube. Well, every so often Pagel and I will spend some time sharing random videos with everyone. We'll go out and find funny/interesting/crazy clips so that you don't have to. Just head to the our blog site...getdped.blogspot.com ...Here are some of my favorite comedians and I hope you enjoy!

Zach Galifianakis

This is one of the funniest guys around. He's been in The Hangover and a new movie called G-Force. He is starting to blow up and it's about time. (I feel like a talkshow host intoducing my next guest).

Patton Oswalt on 80's Metal Patton Oswalt: Wackity-Shmackity Do!

If you enjoy this 5 minutes worth of clips than check out Oswalt's DVD: Werewolves & Lollipops.
Netflix carries it.

Bill Burr: Palace Brawl

Bill Burr's feelings on the Pistons/Pacers Brawl.

Home Run Derby Running Diary

The blog hasn't been updated in awhile because Dennis is a slacker and I just discovered my privates, so I figure a momentous exhibition like the Home Run Derby would be worth writing a running diary to whet everyone's appetite for more DP goodness...mmm, double goodness.  

I would do one for the All-Star game itself but we all know the Home Run Derby has a longer standing tradition and isn't actively tainting how the season unfolds.  Oh wait...I forgot, this whole sport is tainted from Selig on down.  I'm glad I can no longer watch fun events like the Derby without suspecting Pujols of shooting steroids and eating aborted fetuses for strength.  Thanks for ruining my childhood memories and beliefs, MLB.   

Without further ado, my running Home Run Derby Diary.

8:30  Keep in mind I'm watching this on ESPN360.com and I also started a little behind so the times won't be totally even.  But in my world they are.  Also, ESPN360 is great, except when I want to watch something that really matters, I can only see replays of MLS games.  Work on this ESPN.

8:35  What a shitty opening song, was David Cook a musician that missed the cut for Nickelback?  

8:38   Isn't America done with these homeless looking rock musicians who perform songs Celine Dion thinks are kind of weak and girly?

8:42   If you told me three years ago the Home Run Derby would one day include Brandon Inge and Joe Mauer I would have slapped you in the mouth

8:45   Joe Morgan calling a Home Run Derby = Mark Price critiquing a dunk contest

8:48  Chris Berman has said, "Busch Stadium III, if you will.." four times in six seconds.  I will Boomer, I will.

8:50   "Call your shot"  promotion needs to roll over into the derby itself.  Why not make it more like the dunk contest and have the contestants try to recreate famous home runs in a short round or a tie breaker?  Babe's called shot, The Shot heard round the World, Pedro Cerrano hitting the go ahead against the Yankees in 1989...

8:53  Nevermind, this is taking forever and killing the derby boner I previously had

8:54  The Call Your Shot contestant looks like Tom Smynkowski of Initech.  *looking around to see if anyone got the reference*

8:56  First Erin Andrews appearance...*swoons*

8:58  ESPN's real time tracking, color coating system is an epic fail so far...it's not even remotely doing what it's supposed to be doing!  Probably worse idea than NHL lighting the hockey puck up in the late 90's

9:00  Nelson Cruz finally looks to be heating up a bit...or not.

9:02  No, he isn't...

9:02  Yes he is!  Fourth Deck shot, above Big Steroid Land!

9:04  This is why Nelson Cruz was a big time prospect for years, he can swing it, 11 homers, not a bad start at all to the derby

9:07  I also enjoy Stan Musial but the derby already runs long enough, do we need unnecessary clip shows of people who won't be in the derby?

9:08  Big Black is up and stroking the ball already...wait, oh right.  That's Prince Fielder.  I love baseball, no need to be an athlete to hit the ball.  I bet he could take a tree down in one hack.

9:13  Pujols compared himself to Ichiro?  Did I hear that right?  In what way?  In what possible way?  Also, Pujols is very charismatic, he could hit 1 home run and convince State Farm to give him the trophy

9:15  Prince needs to be the posterboy for players who don't use PED's.  He can hit the ball half way to the moon and embarrass Joey Chestnut in a burger eating contest.  

9:17  Ball Track worked!  The only time they've used it so far tonight!  1/1 I guess.

9:17  Chris Berman couldn't think of anything clever to say so Prince's 11th home run sounded very robotic, "It's out.  Of. Here...!"  But an impressive start to the derby, solid distance and some good runs.  

9:19  I love tuning into this a bit late because I can fast forward to Brandon Inge!  Dark horse, maybe?  Raise your hand if you picked Inge to be in this contest during spring training...anyone?

9:21  Erin Andrews sighting number 2!  Excuse me, I need a moment...*gasping for air*

9:22  Brandon Inge must have dinner reservations because he is in a hurry to get the hell out of Busch

9:23  "Hello, this Brandon, I have a table for two."  No dingers, no dark horse, not a good bridge to the big bats

9:24  Do they have Rogers Hornsby's KKK attire hanging in the outfield?  

9:25  Joe Buck on ESPN?!!?  He's going to ruin Adrian Gonzalez's turn!  

9:26  "Hello, this Adrian, I believe Brandon reserved us a table?"  1 home run and 6 outs.

9:28  Holy S&!% this little girl just snagged a screaming liner off the bat of Gonzalez who just left the stadium to join Inge at Morton's Steakhouse.  

9:30  Carlos Pena, my dark horse for this event.  He's streaky in regular play, but when he hits a hot streak, look the F*ck out

9:32  Apparently because of Carlos' streakiness they're pitching around him.

9:33  Erin's on again!  *sigh*  Josh Hamilton is talking about Jesus. *grumble*

9:34  Here comes the hot streak...

9:34  Joe Morgan just filled us in that Josh Hamilton has an interesting life's story...thanks Joe!

9:35  Ball Track, part II.  We'll see if they pitch to Pena...

9:37  ...

9:38  ...Ball Track isn't working, mission is scrubbed for now

9:40  Carlos bows out with 5 dingers.  Maybe if he wasn't being intentionally walked he would have hit more.

9:41  How many people thought Nick Hundley and Nick Green would be in Gatorade commercials with Johnny Damon and Alex Rodriguez?  Raise your hands.

9:42  The native son Ryan Howard!  I love his power swing, it's unbelievable he just flicks his hands and blasts one to deep center.

9:43  Tracker part III  just showed us what a dying quail looks like when tracked by advanced technology.  Incredible.

9:44  Ryan Howard is about to get hot, I'm excited.  Someone might lose a finger or an eye.

9:46  I would say I'm jinxing him but I'm like 30 minutes behind in real time.  

9:48  7 homers on the gold ball.  I wish it was a real gold ball, it would be a much bigger accomplishment to knock it out of the park

9:49  This just in;  Joe Morgan has never heard sarcasm or made a joke before.  Ever.  Glad he's on ESPN broadcasts all the time.

9:50  Erin and Doc Halladay!  Don't look at her, Doc!  *glaring at my computer screen/Halladay*

9:51  Joe Mauer is up, I can't wait for the first ever "Singles and Opposite Field Hits Derby"...

9:52  ...he already has two and they weren't cheap.  That will shut me up...wait, no it won't.

9:54  Torii Hunter, I'm still waiting on Joe Mauer to develop his "man muscles."  

9:57  How about a gold ball at 8 outs, then a giant piece of lead shot at 9 outs?  They would be worth more to charity and we can make the lead shot worth 6 home runs.  Also, Joe Mauer couldn't accumulate enough singles to get him to the next round.  

10:00  The roof is about to come off Busch Stadium III, if you will.  Put a shield up over that arch!  Let's see it Albert Pujols!  

10:01  Albert is on the board and Berman is making movie references people under the age of 18 do not understand at all.  High schoolers, if I say Wonder Boy, what comes to mind?

10:03  Albert has 1 homer.  I miss the Steroid Era already.  Back then, we knew the big guys would deliver in a derby.  

10:05  3-way bat off?  Isn't this network owned by Disney?  Filthy.  Also, they're scrolling Pujols' numbers on screen...what league do guys like Pujols get called up to after the Majors?

10:07  Gold ball, Albert was just waiting to bank roll some cash for charity...

10:08  The dreaded 3-way bat off!  I can't wait to see this chick's face when they're done.

10:10  @MJPagel dude, my steak was overdone...

@BrandonInge your steak was overdone?  someone's not getting a good review on the urban spoon app!

10:11  Bat off!  Can they just put Albert in it so this thing doesn't go past 1:00 am?

10:13  Joe Morgan and Chris Berman like bat offs and swing offs, perverts.  

10:15  Carlos Pena is probably out and Joe Morgan just heard the rules for the derby for the first time.  Guess he missed the opening part of the show.

10:16  Most polite person Joe Morgan ever met, Doc Gooden.  Not sure how to feel about that statement.  I bet you are also confused.

10:17  Apparently Joe Mauer didn't know the rules for the derby either, homers Joe, not singles.  Guess Carlos Pena is still alive...

10:18  ...but Albert's up, so maybe not.

10:21  Albert wins the bat off!  You're so dramatic Albert.  Also, Chris Berman referenced Predator on the home run.  "Alburrt hit it to ze choppa!"

10:22  Where's Erin?  I miss her.

10:23  More Berman references, this time from the 70's.  The audience he's targeting is already asleep.

10:25  I love Albert, but he needs to hit about eleventy million homers to get to finals.

10:29  The Dominican player's kids are mobbing each other after every Pujols swing.  I think they're placing bets...

10:31 Albert looks to be on his way out, unless Prince hits negative 1 homers.

10:31  Albert is definitely out.  How long until the stadium empties?  

10:33  Erin!!!  Yayyy!!!  *clapping*

10:35  Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols will not be in the final...I'm greatly disappointed after this thing started so promisingly.  Howard is still going but he's apparently in the "Lazy Fly Ball Derby."

10:40  The broadcast team is throwing out a lot of hypotheticals and potential scenarios, if you will.  I'm not sure they're convinced of anything they're saying.  

10:41  Joe Morgan is forecasting the weather and giving us a lecture on directional winds.  He's neglecting to mention Ryan Howard is climbing back into the picture with 15 total taters.  Heh.  

10:43  Is 15 enough?  I say no.  Berman is holding out hope for Pujols, in case either Cruz or Fielder hit 0 or -1 home runs.  I want to see either happen actually.  

10:47  Steve Phillips used one of my favorite terms, "Light Tower Power."  I love rhymey terms.  Nelson Cruz has to win this thing, right?  Just like everyone predicted all weekend long.  And he is torturing the light towers now.  

10:48  Nelson Cruz is bashing, and I get to see a new field reporter, Erin Erin!  Didn't know we had two Erins working the field, Berman.

10:50  Nelson Cruz is ready to rock in the finals.  Also, every old derby winner or home run hitter they are reminiscing about on the air was linked to BALCo, Presinal, or MacNamee.   MLB Fever!  Catch it!

10:53  Big Black looks tired, it's hard to carry around that kind of weight as a professional athlete.

10:54  Comparing Cecil to Prince Fielder.  Something Prince Fielder hates.  Go ahead, ask him about dear old Dad.  

10:56  Big Black woke up, he's smashing the ball now.  500 foot blasts.  See what happens when you talk about Cecil?!  Poor ball.

10:58  Fielder vs. Cruz.  I don't even want to mention the cheesy puns Berman used for their names.  Nope.  Not Gonna happen.  

11:00  @BrandonInge dude, they're showing erin andrews again!  you're missing  out!  She's next to Granderson!  

    @MJPagel next to curtis?  f--k!!

11:08  Nelson Cruz finishes with 5 in the final round, I feel like Prince is locked in though.  Big Black gets it done.

11:11 I'm wishing Prince takes this home.

11:13  They've bleeped out Prince's reactions at least 30 times.  

11:114  Prince looks like he's driving golf balls.  Good. Lord.  

11:15  The Dominican kids are still cheering, maybe they bet on Prince?  Did they get Prince in a two player teaser?

11:15  Prince wins it with a bomb!  And the Dominicans just won 1600 dollars!  I think they were happier than Prince.  

Unlikely duo to make it to the final, but the last round made up for the stinkers Inge and Gonzalez put up and the sexual act put on by Pujols, Mauer and Pena.  

Well, now that the most important event from All-Star week is over, we can all neglect the likely 16 inning game the American League is going to win to secure home field advantage for managers not managing in this game.  MLB Fever.  Catch it!

-Pagel  

What on Earth have we done?

This past weekend turned out to be every bit the extravaganza we thought it would be:

12 frat brothers, Boggs Lites, morning golf, evening bars, and a baseball game featuring $6.75 beers and 

a friend with a breathalyzer.  Needless to say, the shit was on for two great days and I am tapping into my brain to construct a retro diary of the events of the weekend.  Try and follow along.

Friday -

For the most part the group was kicking it on the far west side of Cleveland at la casa de D-Minus in North Ridgeville.  If you don't know where North Ridgeville is, don't worry, North Ridgeville doesn't know where it is either.  As a matter of fact, the drive out there is a little eerie at night and frankly it felt like being trapped in a Stephen King book.  After fending off the guy from Jeepers Creepers and two of the mutants from The Hills Have Eyes, I found my way to Dennis' development/sports complex (I'm not joking and I'm still salty we never hit the batting cages) the group of us then cracked a few Boggs Lites and took over the back patio of Dennis' house and began to podcast.

The group of us consisted of the usual hosts of the podcast and creators of the blog, Dennis and Pagel.  Joining us were some old faces from years past, Scott drove up from Kentucky and escaped his wife for an entire weekend to get back to his roots; violating young men.  Driving up from Cincy for the weekend to make our Friday night podcast were Hyden and Butters.  They're two of the funniest guys you'll ever meet.  Hyden invented dry humor and physical displays of sarcasm and Butters stars in a weekly cartoon on Comedy Central.  Seriously. 

One of the joys of podcasting is the kind of stress relief it offers.  It's therapeutic to be able to

 share your thoughts with literally handfuls of people you already know.  One of the nightmares of podcasting is not being able to control anyone's mouth except your own.  The first episode we produced was quite the mishmash of random topics and sidebars while trying to stick to a Cincinnati-Cleveland based discussion.  It was such a cluster fuck it turned into two episodes.  

One good thing about this podcast, besides the witty banter and making fun of old friends, was stomping Dennis in a trivia showdown!  In what had to be the world's most poorly constructed trivia challenge (Thanks Eric!) I clobbered Dennis by the final score of 2-1.  It was quite the barn burner.  Perhaps if there was one question in the only two categories created that either of us could have answered without the help of the Schwab, the score would have been better.  None the less, I nailed the tie breaking question for a win for the ages.  Suck it Ken Jennings!  My reward?  Dennis had to wear one of my stupid trucker hats golfing the next morning. 

Saturday -

There was an old joke in our fraternity about when to start an event.  You want us there by 8:30am?  Better tell us 7:45am or else we'll be there around 9:00am.  I drive my ass from the east side of Cleveland back to the far west side and past Ned Beatty getting raped in the woods to make it our 8:40 tee time and meet our other buddy Joe Watson in the golf course parking lot around 8:25 in the morning.  However, turns out we were about 25 minutes early since tee times are malleable and all and the rest of the group decided to get breakfast and miss both of our tee times.  

The entire time we were waiting, the 80 year old tee master kept badgering us with questions about when everyone was going to arrive.  Don't you think if I knew that information I would give it to you?  No, I don't want to golf ahead without 2/3 of the people we were supposed to be with, how much sense does that make?  

Also, random sidebar about golf:  Why do people put so much pressure on themselves during a leisure sport activity?  If it's supposed to be fun, why do golfers go out and spend thousands of dollars on clubs, spikes, balls, clothing, and rounds of golf.  It sounds more like a habit than a hobby.  Golf is the smoking of sports.  

After the group arrived I forced the hat upon Dennis and he actually wore it the entire time.  I was proud of him and the hat.

Mostly the hat.  Okay, I was only proud of the hat.  What ensued was some of the best golf I've seen up close.  Unfortunately I was with Scott and we weren't the ones producing the excellent shots.  I will say that Scott and I got our money's worth if you broke down the cost on a dollar to swing ratio.  Also we got to see parts of the course no one else has seen before.  

It was a fun morning despite losing 12 dollars worth of balls to either toxic ponds or lush foliage.  After the half round of golf (too bad we weren't playing 18, I was just starting to get good!) we reconvened in the NR to begin another intense podcasting session.  This time the brain gangbang went 7 deep as our buddy Matt drove in from Springfield, Mass for the weekend.  Matt is like the bastard child of Lewis Black and Chris Noth.  Never has an unhappier and more pessimistic person managed a major theme park.

After a grub out session, it was on to round two of podcasting.  The topics from this two part podcast vary and are generally offensive.  We even stopped to comment on the jerk bag riding by on a hand cycle...but we produced a pair of awesome podcasts that are more than worth the time.

After Denny's place, we went to meet up with more of our friends at the Indians-Reds game.  The Battle of Ohio!  Who gets control of our dying economy and poor school system?!  The winner of the Reds-Tribe series, that's who!  It was a typical scenario for frat guys at a baseball game: beers, dogs, pizza, and making fun of the countless busted chicks patrolling the bar in the centerfield concourse.  C'mon Cleveland women, you look like shit and you're embarrassing me in front of my friends from Cincinnati.  When someone from the home of Skyline Chili thinks you're fat and busted, it's time to hit the treadmill and stop drinking for a month or two.  Just saying.  

The next two hours consisted of me ignoring baseball in favor of paying attention to this drunk wad a few sections over.  You know that buddy who gets smashed drunk early on during a friday night out?  It's happy hour and he's already blown his load?  That guy made an appearance in Progressive Field and like the drunk happy hour guy, I'm sure his friends ditched him and left. 

I mean there was no one backing this guy up.  He would sit and yell things at random, put his sunglasses on, take them off, then put them back on upside down.  He would hug random Indians fans then swear at 12 year old kids.  At one point he was wearing an Indians hat that he found somewhere and tried to get the Cincy people around him to start a defense chant.  Yeah, needless to say we found our mark for the night.  

Sidebar:  They had a dance contest on the scoreboard jumbo tron, and this ginger won by basically only dancing with his shoulders.  I can't do the moves justice in print also, I can't explain to you how thrilled I was seeing the beauty of dance ruined on a 50 foot screen.  

One more sidebar:  The ketchup, onion, and mustard races at the Pro are fucking great.  Slider and some dude close-lined mustard, it was fantastic.  

The Indians were busy crapping on the field but we were busy crapping on this drunk fuck.  The stadium usher came down several times to warn him about his behavior except that no one in the stadium would have taken a 16 year old usher with a speech impediment and self-esteem issues seriously.  Eventually some other Cincy folk jumped in to try and get his back.  The one dude looked like a very surprised Slavic immigrant; a huge thick unibrow that was constantly raised up his giant forehead like he was impressed by something.  Also, he looked like he smelled.  Apparently Slobodan Milosevic likes the Reds too.

Despite the Reds ultimate victory over the weekend and the brief amount of time everyone was together, I must say Cleveland is always refreshing during the summer.  Next time though, I'll snap a few pics of the guy shoulder dancing.

-Pagel

Hablamos espanol...kind of

What's in a name?  Often times you're named after a family member, I was named after my great-grandfather Stanley Matthew Tieman, or maybe your name is religious or spiritual in context like Michael.  Or maybe your name comes from a profession, Cooper, Barker, Smith, etc.  Whatever the case may be there are thousands of interesting and absurd names in the English language.  

The gauntlet was laid down several months ago by one Bill Simmons to further investigate first names and surnames, but of athletes with Spanish names translated into English.  Either in one of his columns or a podcast the old boxer Pipino Cuevas came up as a prime example of someone with a misleading name that many people probably did not understand but needed to because of the unintentional comedy of his name.  With that name in mind, and also not wanting to study right now I have compiled a list of some of the more interesting Spanish names in sports.

Without further ado, Los Galacticos de "Pipino" Cuevas!

"Pipino" Cuevas Cucumber Cave - What in the world does a cucumber cave look like?

Jose Mesa Joe Table - Clevelanders know Mr. Table's antics all too well...

Tony Bastardo Tony Bastard - Easiest one on this list to translate, also one of the funnier ones.  What a Bastard.

Fausto Carmona Lucky Song - Had to trace back to its Roman roots, but he certainly hasn't been lucky this season

Ricky Rubio Ricky Blond - He has black hair...

Fernando Valenzuela Ferdinand Little Strength - Less imposing than a boxer named Cucumber?  A Pitcher named Little Strength

Normar Garciaparra Nomar Gerald Vine Bower - Nomar is just his dad's name backwards and it's still weirder than the rest of his name

Alfonso Soriano Noble From Soria - He's not from Soria!  Nor is he noble!  The nerve!

Alvaro Espinosa Guard of Espinosa - Indians fans remember how well he guarded shortstop

Felix Fermin Felix Strong - Thanks Seattle for the greatest defensive shortstop ever!  You can have this strong guy in return!

Asdrubal Cabrera Hasdrubal Place of the Wild Animals - Too much going on here in the next two names.  I suppose we could shorten this to Hasdrubal Animal Sanctuary?

Anibal Sanchez Hannibal Saintly - Hannibal was not exactly saintly, but Hasdrubal was the General's brother.

Rey Sanchez King Saintly - A leader and a nice guy!

Rey Ordonez King Fortunate - A really lucky leader!

Magglio Ordonez Mallet Fortunate - A lucky hammer?

Armando Benitez Herman Benedict - I would fight a guy named "Herman Benedict" sight unseen.  However this Herman Benedict was a big nasty guy with a real nasty fastball

Bartolo Colon Bart Dove - Nothing graceful and bird-like about this hips, Bart!

Roberto Clemente Robert Clemens - Makes me feel like one of the best guys in the history of sport just had his name sullied

Jose Cruz Jr. Joe Cross Jr. - Sounds like a detective, no?  Billy Zane is, Joe Cross, Jr!  NBC this fall!

Ben Francisco Ben Francis - Simple and Ben isn't even Latino as far as I know...

That is it for this edition of Los Galaticos de "Pipino" Cuevas but if you have more names to submit, email them or leave them on the comment section!

- Gift of God Gauge

Fantasy Focus: 6/21

Five Guys. If you haven't heard of or been there than get off your ass. It is an amazing burger and fry joint and it rocks. I was there for lunch a few days ago and enjoyed a double w/ cheese, bacon, and BBQ sauce. I dare any of you to come up with a better burger!

So, in honor of Five Guys and their delectable cuisine this weeks Fantasy Focus revolves around...you guessed it...Five Guys!

FIVE GUYS THAT ARE INFURIATING...

Kerry Wood, RP, Cleveland: Watching him against the Cubs this weekend was excruciating (I almost polished off a bottle of Aleve). And I know, he only had one good season as a full time closer. BUT...HE HAS INCREDIBLE STUFF...some of the nastiest I've ever seen. The Indians bullpen has been like Aaron Eckhart in The Dark Knight...Two-Faced...ah, I think it's clever. But just because Greg Aquino and Raffy Perez can't get anyone out doesn't mean Kerry Wood has to follow suit. Your 5.47 ERA and 1.50 WHIP are on you Kerry.

Jay Bruce, OF, Cincy: There are times when Jay gets hot for 8 games and you think "ok, now he's getting it." Then he turns around and goes 0-17 at the plate and you wonder why he's at the major league level. 17 HRs look great but 34 RBIs do not. If Bruce doesn't go deep he's not driving in runs and his .214 avg/.305 OBP confirm that. If you're in a deep league and need some pop, he's worth having.

David Wright, 3B, Mets: WHERE IS THE POWER!?! Wright had an 11 game hitting streak in June during which he hit .355 but only had 1 HR!!! ONE!!!. He only has 4 HR for the year. Obviously you don't dump David Wright but you might consider shopping him around.

Johnny Damon, OF, Yankees: I HATE HIM AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE IS STILL ANY GOOD! HE'S 35 AND THROWS LIKE A POORLY COORDINATED 6 YEAR OLD! I'll blame it on the Sta-a-a-a-a-a-dium!

Barry Zito, SP, Giants: He's the David Duvall of pitching! I'll be honest, Zito does not really infuriate me (because I don't really care about him or the Giants). I just wanted to make that joke.

FIVE GUYS YOU SHOULD DUMP...

Milton Bradley, OF, Cubs: He has the worst attitude of anyone in baseball. He should be a pernnial all-star but he can't keep his head out of his own way. Milton's numbers are improving but his behavior is not, and you can't produce if you're ridin' the pine.

Kerry Wood, RP, Indians: See the above section.

Kelly Johnson, 2B, Braves: Johnson is 6 for his last 44. Pair that with his .290 on-base % and you've got yourself a team killer.

Dustin Pedroia, 2B, Red Sox: Same boat as Kelly Johnson. .135 avg. over his last 15 games. Pedroia's on pace to hit about 7 HR and drive-in around 65 runs. I don't see an MVP repeat but you can still get trade value on his name alone.

Mike Gonzalez, RP, Braves: All of the numbers look good on him but Bobby Cox has been relying on Rafeal Soriano to close out games. I think it's safe to drop him. He should be available later in case Soriano begins to falter.

FIVE GUYS UNDER THE RADAR...

Mark Reynolds, 3B, Arizona: Over the last 15 days he has 5 HR, 14 RBI, and (bonus) he stole a base. Reynolds is only hitting .267 but it's Mark Reynolds, a career .258 hitter. On the season he has 19 HR and 49 RBI which puts him top 15 in the Bigs, in both categories.

Wandy Rodriguez, SP, Astros: Wandy struggled in May but the numbers remain solid. His 87 Ks, 3.18 ERA, and 10 Quality Starts are all Top 10 in NL. Jose Velverde is back at closer so Wandy's wins should pick up.

Aaron Hill, 2B, Blue Jays: among all second baseman Aaron Hill is 2nd in HRs (15), 1st in RBIs (48), and top 10 in hitting (.302) and OPS (.817).

Mark DeRosa, 3B/OF, Indians: DeRosa and Victor Martinez are the only Indians hitters worth having. The shorter left field wall in The Prog has helped him put up good numbers. He's absolutely worth starting in mixed leagues not only because of the solid numbers but his eligibility at 3 positions.

Todd Helton, 1B, Rockies: A lot of people skipped over Helton in drafts because of age, poor production, etc. None of that matters now. He should hit close to 25 HR and he's half way to 100 RBIs. You can add in a .316 average and all of that means Helton also makes the...

FIVE GUYS TO GO GET...

Todd Helton, 1B, Rockies: He is only owned in about 75-80% of mixed leagues.

Ricky Romero, SP, Blue Jays: In 4 June starts he has gone 2-1 while not allowing more than 3 earned runs in those starts. 2 of those starts were on the road at Texas and Philly. Plus his DL stint should help in allowing him to pitch strong through September. He's owned in less than 25% of leagues.

Andrew Bailey, RP, Athletics: Andrew has converted his last 3 save chances has only given up 3 earned runs in June. He has taken full control over the closer role since taking it from Brad Ziegler. Bailey is owned in about half of mixed leagues. Expect 20+ saves and an ERA in the mid 2's.

Michael Bourn, OF, Astros: If you're desperate for steals, look no further. Bourn (and yes, I'm spelling it correctly) has 24 of them plus 41 runs scored. He's also hitting .300 but I don't expect that to continue. Consider Bourn the poor man's Carl Crawford. He's available in around 45% of leagues.

Jason Kubel, OF/DH, Twins: Kubel doesn't get much attention, because he DH's a lot but mostly because of the M & M er's, Morneau and Mauer. A .316 average, 12 HRs, and 39 RBIs will certainly boost your lineup. Like Bourn, Kubel is available in about 45% of leagues.

Damn! I'm droppin' knowledge today. I hope you appreciate it. It took me while but in the process I've realized that I a new desk chair (and a life).

Don't forget to check out the podcasts and e-mail me at dpshow09@gmail.com

- Dennis Kisela

Ketchup and Mustard Day

I always hated that phrase in elementary school when the teachers had to be "clever" and trick the students into doing more work than normal because they were behind schedule for that week/month/whatever.  Two things; do you really need to outsmart 8 year olds?  If they don't do their work just call the parents or threaten them by taking away their recess.  Also, 70 percent of your class is going to suck balls at the standardized tests you're supposed to be teaching them so what difference does one day of catching up matter?  

Well, now that I have that rant behind me and I have alienated all my friends that are elementary school teachers...it's Ketchup and Mustard Day on The DP Show blog!  You should probably listen to these episodes of the podcast if you haven't already.  You will be tested on this material later.  

While we're all still here, this would be a great time to mention we need some feedback from all 20 of our subscribers.  Dennis and myself are always looking for suggestions for topics, segments, and anything that's off the wall.  Right now, big ups to Deuce, Luke, John, and Leila for actually taking the time to email us.  We will need a few people to help us out with our trivia extravaganza.  Be it writing some questions, fact checking, or actually being our trivia host.  Let either of us know what you can contribute.

Last thing...homework assignment for all of your readers/listeners.  If you haven't emailed us already, please do so and just tell us where you're from and what you like or dislike about the show.  Easy enough right?

I look forward to hearing from all of you, and again, I can't stress this enough, tell someone about the podcast or the blog.  Gracias amigos!

Oh and Happy Father's Day to all of the dads out there and the guys who potentially could be dads but haven't gotten that phone call or visit from a lawyer yet!

-Pagel

I smell something weird...

It's a fresh baked episode of the DP Show!  Dig into topics like the NBA finals, the capital of heartbreak, and people who died.  The DP Show's a wedgie, dig it!  

Sasha Grey loves to wrap her hands around...

a new episode of the DP Show!  We entertain our first guest, berate Cleveland sports teams, discuss cum shots, Audrey Hepburn, and dinosaurs.  We're very deep.

Cavs v. Magic...Game 2 Running Diary

I am super pumped because this is MY FIRST EVER Running Diary. What is a running diary, you ask? It goes like this...at random points (or when I get the feeling to do one) I will sit down for a sporting event, TV event, etc. and keep a running diary of my thoughts, observations, and worthy conversations throughtout said event. On the left hand side of the column I will chart when these thoughts, observations, and what not popup.

As much as I would like to take credit for creating the running diary, I cannot (and will not for fear of someone at ESPN reading this and possibly bringing about a lawsuit). The man that originated and popularized the running diary (as far as I know) is none other than MR. BILL SIMMONS. If you would like to see how the master does it than check out ESPN.COM and look for Bill Simmons, or his alias, The Sports Guy. Feel free to compare my work to his (I know I will). But I bet Simmons never wrote his running diaries will "LIVIN' THE HIGH LIFE."

LET'S DO THIS!...

Pre-Game: Live from Downtown Cleveland. We actually look like a real city, on TV.

Pre-Game: I proclaim Craig Sager as the Best Dressed Reporter in Sports. Don Cherry and Barry Melrose coming in a close 2nd and 3rd. You know what? Melrose comes in 2nd, Cherry 3rd. Cherry’s outfits are just too absurd for me to believe that he actually chooses to dress the way he does. On 3rd thought? I proclaim Barry Melrose as the Best Dressed Reporter in Sports. Sorry Sager, but Melrose's hair puts him over-the-top.

Pre-Game: How many times do they show Stan Van Gundy in the huddle? I’ll set the over/under at 4.5, and I’m taking the over.

1st Quarter

Tip-Off: Dwight Howard illegally wins the tip. Really, Dwight? You’re jumping against Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Relax, you’re gonna win this won…or maybe not.

7:35: Dwight fouls Mo well after a whistle…Mo Williams throws the ball at Dwight and NO technical is called…Awesome!

7:05: WOW! 15-5. Hot start for Cleveland. This is looking eerily similar to Game 1, I don’t like that.

6:55: Excellent piece by Craig Sager on Lebron and proper hydration. And the name of the segment was aptly named “around the cooler.” I feel like you should know these things.

4:57: We foul D-Howard again…why are we not hacking him? No one on the Cavs can guard him, plus he is shooting 59% from the line in the playoffs…54% against Boston. Lorenzen Wright, make yourself useful and start hacking Dwight.

3:55: Jesus! Anthony Johnson is killing us, 4 points and a big assist since entering. He’s like the old guy at pick-up games, dressed in a tank top and 2 knee braces and you’re wondering “how is he beating us?”

3:25: We have a Sasha Pavlovic sighting…let’s see how this goes.

End of the 1st: Sasha drains the 3-ball…nice finish. Out-of-nowhere Sasha looks to be a factor in this series. The rest of the supporting cast has also stepped up thus far but Mr. Potato Head (Mike Brown) needs to use the bench a little more. Pavlovic is the only Cleveland bench player to score. Our starters cannot sustain this effort for 48 minutes.

2nd Quarter

10:30: Ben Wallace sporting the Chin Pony-tail. I must say, it’s better than looking at Drew Gooden’s weird Back-of-the-head Hair-Patch thing…How did his friends not get him drunk then wait for him to pass out so they could shave it off…they really dropped the ball on that one

8:51: Cavs up 16 and no Lebron to start the 2nd quarter, that is huge.

7:07: Turkoglu and Rashard Lewis are a combined 0-8 this half. They were a combined 4-8 in the first half of Game 1. Again, I feel like you should know.

3:11: Mo Williams with a DISH TO LEBRON FOR THE HUGE DUNK! And Redick comes right down and scores. Wow, the crowd went dead. Geez, they act like Lebron didn’t just throw down. Our fans need to learn how to sustain energy. Perhaps they should watch Craig Sager’s piece on proper hydration.

1.4: O, Sasha steals it and GETS FOULED but no call. It was a foul but how could you call that with 1.4 seconds left.

End of 1st Half: Excellent first half for the cavs. Great team defense, especially on D-Howard. Cavs are holding a 28-6 advantage with points in the paint. But the Cavs have let a 23 point lead wither to an 11 point lead. And I repeat, EERILY SIMILAR TO GAME 1

Halftime

- Saw a commercial for the new UFC video game. I am one of a dozen people who do not care for UFC (I much prefer boxing) but that game looks pretty sweet.

- TNT just showed Van Gundy in the locker room…should we count that in the huddle tally…? I’m counting it, which brings the 1st half total to 4.

(Side note: Do you think Van Gundy shouting is just his normal voice? I could see him in a restaurant ordering food, “I’LL HAVE A STEAK AND I GOTTA HAVE IT MEDIUM RARE, OK!?! NOW LET’S GO, WE CAN DO THIS!” Or in Church yelling at people, “PEACE BE WITH YOU, PEACE BE WITH YOU!”)

Alright, ON WITH THE 2ND HALF…

3rd Quarter

10:30: I kind of wish I was a Magic fan just so I could say things like “...well, I am wearing my magic underwear today.” HA! (sigh) I’m an idiot.

6:40: UH OH! It’s a 9 point lead and Rashard Lewis is starting to heat up and…

6:16: Rashard for 3, again…it’s down to 6. If this happens again the entire city of Cleveland will be on suicide watch. It’s time for Lebron to flip the MVP switch to on.

4:45: Lebron…and 1. LET’S GO! By the way, WHERE IS THE CROWD? The atmosphere in the Q feels more like December 23 rather than May 23.

(Side note: In the Pistons series my mom was questioning our home crowds and I deflected the concerns as it just being the first round. But you know what, she’s right. Our crowds have been terrible, like they don’t know how to cheer or they do not understand that their energy affects the team. This is what you get when “fans” become fans because it’s the cool thing to do)

2:22: (commercial) Jada Pinkett-Smith is Hawthorne, starting June 16 on TNT! Good work Jada…you have sunk to level of Kyra Sedgwick, Timothy Hutton and Mark Paul Gosselaar.

1:45: Turkoglu hits the Magic’s 8th three of the game…the lead again down to, HAVE I MENTIONED HOW EERILY SIMILAR…

End of the 3rd: The Cavs were outscored 25-19 in that quarter…not good. The Cavs always seem to play poorly in the 3rd quarter. I would bet they’re one of the worst 3rd quarter teams in the league…seriously, someone find this out and get back to me.

4th Quarter

10:14: OH MY GOD! We just gave up an ally-oop dunk to some Polak. And we’re expected to stop Dwight Howard?

8:29: Lebron gets called for a questionable offensive foul…and Varejao comes down on the other end and takes a charge…boy, do I love make-up calls

7:25: 82-80 Cavs after Pietrus buries a 3…he was silent in the 3rd quarter but…this Magic team is loaded with shooters and they are always a threat to make a run. The surprising thing is the absence of Dwight Howard this half. I mean, he’s playing but he is a non-factor right now and the Magic are out playing us. Are the Orlando Magic a better team WITHOUT Dwight Howard?

5:29: The Magic take their first lead of the game, 86-84. It’s crunch time…now we see if the best player on the planet can take over in the clutch

2:45: Mo Williams hit a big a 3 a minute ago but bricks a WIDE OPEN attempt…you cannot consistently blow opportunities like that late in games and expect to win a series

2:03: Pietrus drives and hits the layup. I am shocked that our perimeter defense has been so porous in the first 2 games.

:50: DON’T LET RASHARD KICK IT OUT…Turkoglu for 3, 93-93…this is not happening…Deep breathe in, and out…FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

30.9: LeBRON, AND 1…LET'S...TRAVELING? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

13.6: Pavlovic, what the hell…you can’t foul and give the Magic a chance to draw up a play and hold for the last shot…unreal

:1: And Turkoglu…I’m going to throw up…

:1: here we go…one chance…please let this happen, if we go down 0-2 this series is over …in-bound to Lebron… OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MVP! MVP! MVP! I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


OK, I need to calm down for second…There are moments in sports that I will always remember…Game 7 of the ’97 world series, the Red Sox miracle comeback in the ’04 ALCS, Laettner beating Kentucky, I could go on and on. And there are so many moments that have gone against Cleveland, so many times when I thought “why is it always like this?” That shot from Lebron James will be one of those moments that I will remember for as long as I live, and for all the right reasons. Where will amazing happen this year? How about the banks of the Cuyahoga!

(Don’t forget to e-mail myself and Pagel at dpshow09@gmail.com. We will get to your e-mails in either an article or on one of our podcasts…Also, the final tally in the “shots of Van Gundy in the huddle” is 4, I’m very disappointed in you TNT)


Written by: Dennis Kisela